Here’s Hillary Clinton’s op-ed for USA Today on why people should vote for her. It’s really kind of simplistic. An intern probably write it. I’ve added a few comments.
In January, America is going to have a new president. Things are going to change — that much is certain. [But, Hill, I thought things under you and O were great. Why do they need to change?] The question is, what kind of change are we going to have?
We can build an economy that works for everyone, or stack the deck even more for those at the top. [Which is exactly how Hillary wants it since she’s at the top.]
We can keep America safe through strength and smarts [Smartpower! How’s that worked out? It hasn’t.] — or turn our backs on our allies, and cozy up to our adversaries. [All of which is a perfect description of the Obama foreign policy, much of which you’ve been involved with intimately.]
We can come together to build a stronger, fairer America, or fear the future and fear each other. [Aren’t you the candidate telling every minority you can find that if you aren’t elected they’ll be in chains or pregnant and without an abortion mill within a stone’s throw?]
Everything I’ve done, as first lady, senator, or secretary of State, I’ve done by listening to people and looking for common ground, even with people who disagree with me. [Seriously, you said that with a straight face?] And if you elect me on Tuesday, that’s the kind of president I’ll be. [Lady, you must have the face of a stone if you didn’t break out into laugh after that howler.]
Here are four priorities for my first 100 days — issues I’ve heard about from Americans all over our country. [Is this ‘hearing from Americans’ meme poll-tested. You seem to be hitting it like a drunk hits the bottle.]
First, we will put forward the biggest investment in new jobs since World War II. [Wait, we gotta start a World War to get the economy moving? Isn’t Trump supposed to be the warmonger?] We’ll invest in infrastructure and manufacturing to grow our economy for years to come. [Is this ‘investment’ going to be bigger than Obama’s ‘Stimulus’? How’d that work out?] We’ll produce enough renewable energy to power every home in America within a decade. [Are you drunk right now? Who told you anything like that was remotely possible?] We’ll cut red tape for small businesses and make it easier for entrepreneurs to get the credit they need to grow and hire — because in America, if you can dream it, you should be able to build it. [How can you cut red tape if you are going to expand the administrative state? And where are these loans coming from?] We’ll pay for it all by asking the wealthy, Wall Street and big corporations to finally pay their fair share. [Oh, I see. Soak the rich. You are aware that the rich already pay a disproportionate amount of taxes? Of course you are. You’re just cynically manipulating the unintelligent but very envious supporters now.] And this commitment will go far beyond the first 100 days. Creating more good jobs with rising incomes will be a central mission of my presidency. [Um, you do understand that you can no more command that than King Canute could command the sea?]
Second, we will introduce comprehensive immigration reform legislation. [Why does ‘immigration’ need to be reformed? There’s nothing wrong with the laws we have that enforcing them wouldn’t fix.] The last president to sign comprehensive immigration reform was Ronald Reagan, and it was a priority for George W. Bush. I’m confident that we can work across the aisle to pass comprehensive reform that keeps families together and creates a path to citizenship, secures our border, and focuses our enforcement resources on violent criminals. [There’s nothing listed here that wouldn’t be enabled by simply enforcing the current laws.] This is the right thing to do, and it will also grow our economy. [What, it doesn’t cure cancer too? Lay off the hallucinogens.]
Third, to break the gridlock in Washington, we need to get secret, unaccountable money out of our politics. [Like the money that has enriched you and the Democratic Party?] It’s drowning out the voices of the American people. [How?] So within my first 30 days, I will introduce a constitutional amendment to overturn Citizens United. [Because you want all political speech to be approved by a government that you and your bureaucratic minions control? The First Amendment is very clear.] We should be protecting citizens’ rights to vote, not corporations’ rights to buy elections.[So you admit that corporations are buying the presidency for you?]
Fourth, we need to get started on end-to-end criminal justice reform. Too many people have been sent away for far too long for non-violent offenses. [No, many if not most of those people also had weapons charges against them but they pleaded to lesser charges. You’re just lying to get more felons sprung so they can vote for Democrats.] I believe our country will be stronger and safer when everyone has respect for the law and everyone is respected by the law.[‘Everyone has respect for the law.’ Does that include you? Your husband? Cheryl Mills? Heather Samuelson? David Kendall? Jake Sullivan? Jimmy the Weasel Comey? Et al.]
There’s so much more we need to do together, and we certainly won’t get it all done in the first 100 days. But we’re going to roll up our sleeves and get to work for American families — and I’ll never, ever quit. [I’m pretty sure you’ll quit when you’re dead. And why families? What about us single people?]
I want to be president for all Americans — Democrats, Republicans and independents; Americans of every race, faith and background. [Is this going to be like Obama’s everyone? Where some everyones are more equal than other everyones?]
My opponent has run his campaign on divisiveness, fear and insults, and spent months pitting Americans against each other. [Holy cow! Did you not read what you just wrote above? Oh, nevermind, I forgot, you’re a liberal so hypocrisy is your middle name and self-awareness is a concept to you like grasping the 47th dimension is to the average human being.] I’ve said many times that Donald Trump has shown us who he is. Now we have to decide who we are. [Admit it, that last sentence is a nod to Obama.]
Because it’s not just our names on the ballot this year. Every issue we care about is on the ballot, too. This is about who we are as a country — and whether we are going to have change that makes us stronger together, or change that pushes us further apart. [That whole self-awareness thing really is hard for you, isn’t it?]
It all comes down to this. I love our country. [So why are you so eager to turn into a socialist hellhole?] I believe in our people. [Actual Americans or your little clique of entitled elites? I’m thinking you are really referring to the latter.] And I think there’s nothing we can’t achieve if we work together and invest in each other. [Always have to work in that money angle…]